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 The Contract Standards Club

Because we are not responsible for your unrealistic expectations and not impressed by your irrelevant arguments.

Hear ye, hear ye.

This is the official gathering place for the airing of grievances by the members of the Contract Standards Club. We recognize our hero and inspiration, Melani Sanders, Founder of the We Do Not Care Club.

Let it be known that these grievances are our sacred truths etched into the shared experience of all who labor in the realm of contracts. Each grievance stands as testimony to the burden we bear.

We are not the keepers of your chaos, nor the guardians of your wishful thinking. This is not our circus, nor are these our monkeys. We are the scribes of reason, the defenders of clarity, and the eternal eye-rollers of impossible demands.

With this recitation, the Contract Standards Club does hereby acknowledge and validate the shared suffering of its members. May these words lighten your burdens and strengthen your resolve.

  1. We are not responsible for claims that AI is coming for all of our jobs. AI can have them. We will figure out something else. We are smart.
  2. We are not responsible if you decide to use use AI to help you draft contract edits. Just make sense and write in proper sentences in the version you send to me.
  3. We are not responsible for you preferring to lock your redlined changes to save you having to check it. We will not review the contract until you unlock it.
  4. We are not responsible for your need for me to review this agreement in the next hour despite you receiving the vendor comments three weeks ago. That's on you.
  5. We are not responsible for you wanting us to review 162 contracts each week. We will do our best and that's it.
  6. We are not responsible for one of the senior directors telling you that you can sign contracts. If it isn't in the contract signature policy, you can't.
  7. We are not responsible for your personal philosophy is about NDAs. It is company policy to have one before starting discussions whether you agree with that policy or not.
  8. We are not responsible for your only justification for your contract edit being that it's policy. We sometimes have trouble coming up with arguments to justify our own company's silly edits. We get it.
  9. We are not responsible for the contract's exhibits being long. If it is your project, you still have to read them and tell us if they are ok.
  10. We are nor responsible for people who say that there is no such thing as a contracts community. That's what we call ourselves and we can decide that.
  11. We are not responsible for your company’s policy not to accept any redlines. We do not sign contracts as is without negotiating them.
  12. We are not responsible for you leaving for vacation tomorrow. If you need 10 contracts before you leave, you should have submitted them a long time ago. Your procrastination is not my emergency.
  13. We are not responsible for you bragging that you work(ed) for a Big4. It does not make you any more or any less experienced and knowledgeable than those of us in the trenches.
  14. We are not responsible for your legal team being backlogged and requesting only “must-have” edits. We are backlogged too. We are still dedicated to a fair negotiation.
  15. We are not responsible for your subcontractor needing to be under contract today. You should have made that request 6 months ago when your project started. Get in line.
  16. We are not responsible for you redlining without providing a rationale. We will wait for you to provide one.
  17. We are not responsible for your failure to fill out the paperwork properly and your choice to attach generic templates instead.
  18. We are not responsible for the fact that your demands to include specialized design and insurance mean our subcontractors have to do 87 things differently than needed for a standard job, and that costs money.
  19. We are not responsible for your decision to write “Rejected” in your comments column on our departure schedule. We know you will do a deal with us for reasons that have nothing to do with the departure and we are just going to keep giving logic-based reasons you can accept our departure.
  20. We are not responsible for you not reading contracts before you sign them because you assume they are all normal and much like others in your sector.
  21. We are not responsible for you agreeing to pricing and milestones that are totally outside of the acceptable scope for the company so that you can meet your sales quota. We work for the company. Talk to the CFO.
  22. We are not responsible for the fact that law firms give you a clean Word doc and pdf redlines. We are in-house and we don’t do that.
  23. We are not responsible for the fact that this contract was supposed to be signed yesterday. if it came to our desk today, it will be signed after it has been thoroughly reviewed.
  24. We are not responsible for your wish for us to “just do a quick look.” There is no such thing. Reading contracts is slow. That’s the point.
  25. We are not responsible for you sending an email saying it is “high priority.” That’s not how priorities work. Get in line or go through the process of getting it classified as high priority.
  26. We are not responsible for your assertion that this is “industry standard” or “standard” or “industry." We also know that’s not true, and it’s just a lazy excuse.
  27. We are not responsible for someone being "offended” by a redline. Feelings are not enforceable clauses.
  28. We are not responsible for you going against our advice. We can't stop you but we sure as heck will provide this email to management when things go south.
  29. We are not responsible for you “forgetting” to turn on track changes before making your amendments. We will simply run both versions through the compare tool and then shame you by pointing it out in our next conference call.
  30. We are not responsible for you asking us to negotiate against ourselves. We won't.
  31. It’s not our problem that none of your other vendors have suggested this language. We are suggesting it, and you need to address it on its merits.
  32. It’s not our problem that you think a “small contract” doesn’t matter. Small contracts can create very big messes.
  33. It’s not our problem that your company’s “no redline” policy means you'll only share locked PDFs. We are not going to review it until you send a workable Word version.
  34. It’s not our problem that you believe your position is “the fair market position." Fair market positions are not defined by your opinion.
  35. It’s not our problem that you think we should agree to your language because you’ve “been doing this a long time.” We’ve been doing it longer and the length of your career does not determine the quality of your reasoning.
  36. It’s not our problem that you’re so proud of your 50+ page template. It’s bloated, mostly irrelevant, and unnecessarily long.
  37. It’s not our problem that you claim no one ever negotiates this provision. That must have been nice for you. We’re negotiating it anyway.
  38. It’s not our problem that you require three C-Suite signatures because it’s your policy. Our executives are busy and we don't do that. By the way, our policy requires mascots sign all contracts. Please have yours sign as well.
  39. It’s not our problem that you want us to “just review the contract” even though your direct report hasn’t even looked at it. We need them to review and provide us with some background on the deal first.
  40. It’s not our problem that you want to brag about where you went to law school. We are not impressed.

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